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Ever have trouble communicating multiple messages at the same time?  For example, being able to express love, disappointment, encouragement and values to your child, spouse/partner, or friend in a time of crisis.  What message am I sending? What message do they hear?  I have a history of sending the wrong message.  In the past (before I acknowledged my co-dependent tendencies), I tried to “protect” my loved ones by trying to convince them I was “right.”  I was acting out of love, but sending a message that they were incompetent or ignorant.  I often truly believed they were very intelligent and just needed some “guidance.”  I was really acting out of my own fear of something bad happening if they did not see things “correctly” (my way).  God has been working on me and teaching me how to let go of the control I imagined I had.  Years ago, I identified my control issues and started trusting God more.  I started controlling my own fear and attempting to communicate confidence in my loved ones.  This continues to be a struggle at times.  I desire to communicate love and respect at all times, however, communication is a two way street.  One problem with communication is the ability to communicate clearly through the receiver’s personal filters.  I have learned it is important to know your audience and keep in mind their ability to hear something totally different from what is actually said.  It is very important to consider the timing of your message (don’t say to your spouse “We need to talk” as you walk out the door to celebrate your anniversary!).  Here are a few suggestions for improving your ability to send a clear message:

  • Start with a desire to respect the other person and to understand their position as well as having your own position heard. In all conversations do your best to treat the other person with Dignity and Respect.
  • Identify the issues and separate them into different conversations.  If you have too many issues, the other person is likely to be overwhelmed and stop listening.
  • Choose your timing wisely.  If your friend is drunk at the party, talking about her drinking should wait until she is sober.
  • Tone of voice, pitch and speed of delivery communicate a lot!  Pay attention to your tone of voice, it reveals your true attitude.  If you are very angry about something, if you lower your voice, slow your rate of speech and have a respectful tone of voice, you will increase the chances of being understood clearly.
  • Keep you own emotions under control and verbalize your intentions.  If a phone conversation is getting out of hand, don’t just hang up, let the person know you are considering ending the conversation if they continue to react harshly.

I hope these suggestions help you inprove your communications.  Let me know if you have any other suggestions.  I am always learning!

Kathy Long

Author Kathy Long

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